[Mood : Pensive ]
[Watching : Nobuta wo Produce Ep 9 ]

One more episode left of Nobuta wo Produce. This show is really making me think deep and hard about various issues, and it really touches a cord in you.

I've been thinking ne, have I really gotten over my ex? I still get jealous when he shows interest in other girls, and I still can't imagine how I would feel and react when the inevitable happens and I wake up one day and find that he has girlfriend 2.0. And I'm still mad and frustrated that we're hardly as close as we used to be. Call me naive, but the day when I finally gave him back his freedom, I had the illusion that apart from not calling him 'dear', not saying 'I love you' and not planning for the future together... everything else would remain the same. We would still confide the most to each other, he would still comfort me and be my best friend, and we would have a bond between us which we had with no one else. Sigh... things like this don't happen in real life, do they? We hardly even talk anymore and it has been months since we last hanged out together. And even then.... our first outing that was not a date... I could treat him like a best friend, but he wasn't comfortable with it and said we still seemed like a couple. He doesn't even have a hand phone now, so I can't even message him anymore when i need him the most.... not that after the break up, his replies were regular or prompt, but at least I still had a more solid link to him than instant messaging. I was initially so worried that if anything were to happen to him.... I might not even know. Even wen we were a couple, that was a very real worry to me as hardly anyone officially knew we were together although our relationship was probably one of Samad 2006's worst kept secrets.

And the guy I like now, does he even like me back? Sigh... I give him confusing signs I know, and I get back confusing signs from him, so I can't even be sure of how he feels about me. He probably is conscious of my presence... but am I an irritant to him? The girl who likes him but whom he wishes would stop doing so? How long more can I pretend to walk past him or catch his eye.... and yet seem like nothing is happening? I'm such a baka ne, can't even manage to smile at him even though just knowing that he is close by gives me reassurance, comfort, joy and a warm feeling.

I think this is my most honest post in a while, something that I usually wouldn't blog about but keep for my private journal instead. But even if it's just this once, I don't want to hide my feelings. I sometimes go to great lengths to cover up even from myself how I really feel deep down inside that at times it feels like I'm detached from myself, trapped inside a shell that has been pre-programmed. I can't talk about feelings and emotions to others because it scares me to pour out my innermost thoughts and feelings to someone and something which I can't control, which I can't delete or toss aside, and which might come back to haunt me.